joke #8

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

joke #7

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

joke #6

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."

The Dr Stash series =P

Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world ??? "The Dentist will see you now."

Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.

Bible verse hanging in a dental office:
Psalms 81:10:" . . . open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it."

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque

What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself

After a difficult day seeing patients, most of whom had been children, the dentist's biggest challenge had been getting those little mouths to stay open. To his delight, his last patient was an adult. "Welcome," he told her as he began the examination. "It's so nice to work on someone with a big mouth."

joke #5

THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. the monsignor replied, "when I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late j.c.

7) The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and spook

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass

10) We do not refer to the cross as the big T

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me"

12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy

Joke #4

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..

Joke #3

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Joke #2

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

Joke of da day

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

The Bishop was buried the next day.